So, you clicked on a "Garb Quest" link, eh?
Are you ready for some soul baring?
I wish that I could sit here with a straight face and say "Everything always turns out according to plan.", but you and I both know that would be a blatant lie. The truth is- the further down the rabbit hole you go, the more you learn about yourself. And in that process, the plans you previously made become obsolete, redundant, or just plain stupid.
My Garb Quest is an example of when that happens.
The Quest, originally conceptualized in 2009, was supposed to be a large, multipart project that would culminate in the submission of a complete outfit to be entered in a regional A&S Faire. It was originally designed to help me tackle two personal issues.
The first issue was my then less-than-great craftsmanship. Although I had gotten a grasp on the backend research aspects that dictated the garb I was interested in creating, I felt that my lack of knowledge in terms of sewing skills, and a general lazy attitude toward the creation process were huge road-blocks for me. Until I could learn better techniques and start to take my craftsmanship seriously, my garb would never meet the standard my research was dictating. I thankfully recognized this, and it was my hope that a series of projects that were required to meet the A&S criteria for the costume category would be a teaching opportunity I sorely needed.
The second issue the Quest was intended to address is a little harder to admit to, so bear with me as I take my time to explain.
I have always been a classic introvert. I admit that I have reclusive tendencies, and while I generally joke about them, the truth is that I'm a homebody with no close friends (my husband excluded). This natural leaning toward ostracizing myself has made me both socially awkward and extremely shy. This type of personality isn't at all uncommon, but for some reason, in our modern society, it's still considered by the wider public to be a less-suitable way of being.
My shyness makes me naturally prone to a very SCA syndrome usually referred to as "peer fear". I have an extremely hard time talking with strangers to begin with, so when I find myself in a situation where someone with rank... a Laurel, a Countess, the King... is nearby, I'd rather keep quiet and disappear into the background. This too is also not an uncommon trait (in the Society), but as any peer will tell you- it's a completely unfounded fear.
Along with my frustration that my skills were limiting my output, I also felt that my personality was limiting me in much broader social ways. Namely, that people weren't taking notice of my hard work.
Around here, we have this thing called "looking for the next cookie". That's when a person acts in a certain way to get in with the "right" people and put themselves in a position to earn awards and recognition they may not actually have earned. And once they get that recognition, they move on to the next, essentially collecting titles until they reach the rank they wanted, then stop caring altogether about the things they did (or people they used) to get it.
In the few years leading up to the creation of the Quest, I had started teaching at every event I went to, began this blog, and signed up to judge costuming entries at A&S faires. All these were attempts to "get out there" and allow people to know me. As far as I could tell, they weren't working. And I believed that to be the case because my name wasn't coming up in court. I had unwittingly fallen into a seemingly benign type of "cookie" trap.
Submitting a complete outfit (which of course I was positive would be worthy of a perfect score) would most assuredly get me that next award. That's the truth of what I felt at the time. And I justified it because I just wanted to be recognized for what I was learning, doing and creating, not grasping for the title it might get me.
While I was putting off creating my quest outfits, feeling like I needed to learn more first, I organically began to gain better skills. My sewing was getting better, and my attention to detail was becoming more focused. One day, I realized that the Quest wasn't going to teach me anything new about skill and craftsmanship. I had just needed to decide that I was done being lazy about them.
I was also realizing how much more interested I was in the research about my Quest garments than I was about the garments themselves. My documentation was beginning to look more like an undergraduate thesis. And I was getting increasingly concerned about the possibility of getting a judge who wasn't willing to read the whole thing, and who would judge my work on their own understandings instead of mine.
Eventually I decided that the Garb Quest had fallen into the "don't waste your time" pile, and I also realized that I wasn't concerned about getting it back out of that fate. So, I made a decision to focus on the research instead. Eventually, after putting it off some more, I settled on my topic.
You may have noticed, though, that I had not really addressed that other issue. Then, in the spring of 2013, I finally faced it and stopped lying to myself that I "deserved" anything. A bad experience while judging made me realize that I had been putting myself into a position to change who I was in order to get what I wanted. I was looking for the next cookie, and I had completely bought into the belief that it was my personality and my lack of being peppy, personable and well-liked that were inhibiting my progress. Which, I can say now with assured enthusiasm, is a load of horse-hockey.
There is nothing wrong with being a socially-awkward introvert with a passion for what I do (regardless of how well I do it). I realized that I had no interest in participating in a process in which my opinion and hard work can be overruled by someone who doesn't care one iota about who I am or what I know. And if being required to have an interest in that process and not being the recluse I am is what will get me a peerage, then I don't want to be a peer, because it would be a lie.
So. There is no Garb Quest. There is no cookie. There is no A&S entry. There's just me being me and doing the things I love to do. There's just my personal quest to just keep learning, doing and teaching.
Besides. Under the radar is a pretty comfortable place to be when you have a tendency to do stuff like this:
If you're now wondering why, given this particular mindset, I still blog, please click here.
